A day I need chocolate chip cookie dough and Bravo

I don't really know where to start. But I guess this blog begins with disappointment. A disappointment I have felt for years. Included in this disappointment are feelings of anger, resentment, and detachment. For many years I have struggled with the interesting dynamic my family presents. No family is truly "functional" and all have their problems, but some more than others. In this dysfunctionality, I think of my relationship with my father; the drug/alcohol abuse, the lack of support, the abandonment, and disconnect. For years I've tried to mend the relationship, trying to pieces together a history that was never there and recreating father-son experiences robbed by selfishness. Although my father returned to the family, it was too late for me to create a connection...I had grown-up with teachers and community mentors piecing together a reliable "father figure."

This idea started yesterday, when I was asked my favorite childhood memory....I couldn't think of one...maybe I'm a pessimist, but the things i do remember of my childhood include yelling, fighting, separations and bring feelings of isolation...

Combined with these feelings are my family's expectations to be the guidance counselor and college guru to every relative I know. Although, I make a difference in hundreds of students lives...to them it means nothing unless I also provide that effort and support to my relatives. This pressure is greatest with my one and only brother. He is ten years younger than I and the most important part of my life and the reason I stay connected with my family is to make sure he is doing okay. The last two years have brought upon arguments between my parents and I to take custody of him and be his legal guardian. There are many reasons I feel fit to raise my brother and help him progress through his teenage years. Regardless, I want the best for him and the goals he has for himself. Currently, is future career is a professional angler (Sports Fishermen) and I love it!

What it comes down to is...I hate knowing my family has leniency to get away with these things. I like to be in control, in control of my emotions, I thrive on knowing that only I create and influence my emotions. I dislike knowing that people (family) can have such an influence on my emotions and the way I feel. This might extend to my relationships and my uncomfortableness with emotions and knowing that I can make some feel great/horrible with my words and actions. When I get that feeling I self-destruct that relationship...I isolate myself because then, only I can influence my emotions.

I can't deal with the emotionally drain actions and decisions they make. I think to myself, what is the best way to distance myself, yet stay connected with my family. How do you deal with this unhealthy relationship? When you have an unhealthy relationship with a friend...its easy to cut the friendship...but how does it go when its a family member, a father or Mother? How do you renegotiate that relationship on your own terms? I don't want to be let down, have my hopes crushed, and be waiting for something that never happens. (Hmm, I get it)

I should have been enjoy a nice vacation with my family, but instead I am writing this blog and still patiently waiting...