Afflicated at The Rail

As some of you may know, I love my Nordys and the Rail. Great customer service, good fashion, and cool threads...Today I went shopping for a Button-down black t-shirt and it took me about 30 minutes to find it.

Why is it so hard to buy a simple black long sleeve shirt. I don't want skulls on my back, bat wings on my shoulders, affliction running across my chest, metal studs, or gold foil. When did these crazy designs become fashionable? I just want a classic black shirt.

A day I need chocolate chip cookie dough and Bravo

I don't really know where to start. But I guess this blog begins with disappointment. A disappointment I have felt for years. Included in this disappointment are feelings of anger, resentment, and detachment. For many years I have struggled with the interesting dynamic my family presents. No family is truly "functional" and all have their problems, but some more than others. In this dysfunctionality, I think of my relationship with my father; the drug/alcohol abuse, the lack of support, the abandonment, and disconnect. For years I've tried to mend the relationship, trying to pieces together a history that was never there and recreating father-son experiences robbed by selfishness. Although my father returned to the family, it was too late for me to create a connection...I had grown-up with teachers and community mentors piecing together a reliable "father figure."

This idea started yesterday, when I was asked my favorite childhood memory....I couldn't think of one...maybe I'm a pessimist, but the things i do remember of my childhood include yelling, fighting, separations and bring feelings of isolation...

Combined with these feelings are my family's expectations to be the guidance counselor and college guru to every relative I know. Although, I make a difference in hundreds of students lives...to them it means nothing unless I also provide that effort and support to my relatives. This pressure is greatest with my one and only brother. He is ten years younger than I and the most important part of my life and the reason I stay connected with my family is to make sure he is doing okay. The last two years have brought upon arguments between my parents and I to take custody of him and be his legal guardian. There are many reasons I feel fit to raise my brother and help him progress through his teenage years. Regardless, I want the best for him and the goals he has for himself. Currently, is future career is a professional angler (Sports Fishermen) and I love it!

What it comes down to is...I hate knowing my family has leniency to get away with these things. I like to be in control, in control of my emotions, I thrive on knowing that only I create and influence my emotions. I dislike knowing that people (family) can have such an influence on my emotions and the way I feel. This might extend to my relationships and my uncomfortableness with emotions and knowing that I can make some feel great/horrible with my words and actions. When I get that feeling I self-destruct that relationship...I isolate myself because then, only I can influence my emotions.

I can't deal with the emotionally drain actions and decisions they make. I think to myself, what is the best way to distance myself, yet stay connected with my family. How do you deal with this unhealthy relationship? When you have an unhealthy relationship with a friend...its easy to cut the friendship...but how does it go when its a family member, a father or Mother? How do you renegotiate that relationship on your own terms? I don't want to be let down, have my hopes crushed, and be waiting for something that never happens. (Hmm, I get it)

I should have been enjoy a nice vacation with my family, but instead I am writing this blog and still patiently waiting...

The Public Library: A Savage Garden

Oh the hustle and bustle of a public library, truly one of my favorite places to be. One of the first things I do after moving to a new city is apply for a public library card. I seem to have an affinity with public libraries. It grows from my fascination of books, literature, and the acquisition of knowledge. Childrens books, young adult, fiction, government publication, references, and multimedia; all housed under one roof.

On an given day, a child could be reading their first words... an immigrant learning English with the language acquisition programs available...an under-resourced student who lacks a computer, internet, or printer can be on equal terms with anyone else...or a grandson can be assisting his grandmother with her citizenship test in the midst of all the great books on America's history and its political structure.

One day, I want to be a "Patron of the Library." When I grow old and no longer want to work in higher education I will volunteer at a public library. Chilling at 75, working a reference desk or assisting students with the Dewey decimal system. After writing this is it too late to get a Masters in Library Science?

This has been a "me" day. One were I escape the real world, just like people do when they read a book, and focus on myself. I am glad to have had this time to reflect. I am also glad for the readers of this blog who understand me and enjoy my stuff.

4-6353

Today I received a mix-tape from a new friend. The disc was an eclectic jumble of songs intended to heal the soul. This was just what I need. The first track was Modest Mouse-The world at large. Hearing the sounds, I felt a sense of warmth and appreciated the nice gesture. I love music for its inherent power to make you feel. It's the feeling of interconnectedness, you know when you hear a song, listen to the lyrics and let it soak...you are washed over by the words and feel like the artist is sing to you and your experiences....at that point you can sit and listen or sing along at the top of your lungs then magically, you feel better.

That my friends is Stereo Therapy.

Today is one of those days, I feel connected to the music. Listening to these tunes reminds me of where I am, where I come from, and where I want to go. Reflecting over these past few days, I realize I have become a better version of myself. I am caring, understanding, and allow emotions to show. Things seen as a weakness are now seen as parts of me I can share and enjoy with others. I am my true-self not a distorted reflection I like to create. I am happy with myself and the person I am. I have the world in front of me and ready to experience life again. 9 months is not so far way, see you in a bit May 2010.


Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

Avientame

Por un momento estaba perdido en algo hermoso. Ahora no se como me siento o lo que viene manana. Estoy perdido, per reconoscoso que amores perros.

Con las decisiones y las emociones tengo un apagador, que se apaga y se enciende, ayudando me ser frio. Un los ultimos dias es apagador a parado de trabajo y me alegro.

Para ser honesto, no se que decir. Lo que si se, es que esto alegre de estar en esta situacion. Gracis a ti veo una mejor version de mi. Mi objetivo para le ano ira ser una persona mejor. Ser una persona mejor mostrando emociones real, aumentar la participacion de mi comunidad, y aprender a amar de nuevo. Gracis por compartir tu ser y renovar la fe en mí mismo.

Solo porque lo sientes, no significa que esta alli.

A Duck Pond in Central Park

Taking a break from work, I decided to start restocking my bookcases. Since I moved out of my condo in June, I hadn't seen the loves of my life, my books! The had been suffocating in recycled Costco boxes and plastic containers. The first shelf I organized consisted of philosophy and political thought. Books by John Stuart Mill, Marx, Dostoevsky, Jean-Paul Sartre, and Albert Camus. By the smell of one, I was transported to my sophomore year of undergraduate...hoovering over my old self...I saw myself in a 3am discussion with my roommate on nihilism, existentialism, and various world views.
Some of you might think I am crazy, but I know how my books smell and appreciate it. Each book provides a fond memory and connects me to my past, a certain feeling, or life experience. I am particular about my books, the way I organize them, and how and if I lend them. The ones I lend are for my friends and staff to enlightenment themselves. I treat them to the delicacies Bertrand Russell, Jack Keroauc, and Paulo Freire wrote. The books closest to me...the ones in my heart and mind, can never be shared. Those pages keep my inner most thoughts and retain a part of my past. In those manuscripts, I am connected to a previous time and space I have occupied...in each I leave a piece of myself and also take a piece of it; I am Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye), David Brower (Encounter with the Arch Druid), Sal Paradise (On the Road), Meursault (L'etranger), Demetrio Macías (Los de Abajo), Don Quixote, and Artemio Cruz (La Muerte de Artemio Cruz).

To the woman I love...

Dear mama,

You are appreciated. The last few years I have de-celebrated your birthday and skimpped out on visiting you, getting you a Rad gift or at the very least sending you flowers. I give you a call, say "happy birthday", but its lacked the emphasis it needs. At the very least, your birthday, should be a day where you are reminded of everything you have provided me: unconditional love, continuous support, and resources to succeed. And these things I describe didn't come easy either. For many years, you raised me by yourself and your love was never lacking. During that time you worked three jobs, ya you missed some of my school activities, but I never missed a meal, a notebook, a backpack, or money to go see a movie. Through adversity, you stood there as my rock. As other family members left me, you were the constant, picking up the slack for a missing father. I can never express how much your resolve, resiliency, and optimism influenced me and shape the person I am now. Everyday, I am empowered by your memories and love. My success is attributed to you and the change I make in my community is a way to represent you.

Your birthday is eight days away and I have plenty of time to create/buy/send something great for your birthday. I think this birthday is more symbolic because I will soon be 25 years old, no longer a child, but not yet a grown man. I still think the best gift for your birthday is acknowledgment and appreciation.


I finally understand
for a woman it ain't easy tryin to raise a man, but you always was committed
A poor single mother (on welfare), tell me how ya did it?
There's no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things that you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
You are appreciated
- Tupac

No quarters necessary

I don't need it now, but I want it soon. I want to live where there are no quarters necessary. A place, where you have the freedom and creativity to decorate as you wish. No need to call your landlord to upgrade or paint something. I think owning a home/loft/condo provides peace of mind. In our current economic recession that may not seem true. I believe in having your own driveway, backyard, garage, and Man-Cave. Sometimes I daydream what it is like to go to the Home Depot, look at color palettes and decided "I think ill paint my house this color."

Okay, no need to jump into color schemes and accent walls. Ill talk about the simply "luxurious" like having multiple couches, a bbq grill, ability to entertain more than 4 guests comfortably, and a garage to store my tools. By tools I mean a 5 piece Ikea Fixa toolbox. I'm a dreamer and believer, so its hard to stay focused in the now, the present. I think 2 years, 5 years, 10 years from now, dreaming knowing where I want to be. I am nine months away from attain my Masters and enjoying the flexibility to move anywhere across the country. I want to "start" my life. I am 25, unmarried, ready to conquer the world and create my happiness. My hard work has provide some great opportunities and I look to take full advantage of them. I am happy where I am now, but I look forward to the day I do not need a parking permit or worry about having enough quarters for laundry. This was a quick post. Time to fold my laundry and get ready for Sunday Brunch!

OMG, You watch that stuff

I don't really watch TV, but when I do, I make it Bravo. Ever since I discovered this source of entertainment, I have been hooked! This is one of the best ways I relax and take my mind off work, research, school, and the such. I love watching BRAVO TV! Yes, I said it, I love the Bravo programming. Last night it was NYC Prep and I was glued to the TV, its not really the content or quality, its just mindless entertaining TV. Sometimes I feel like in chilling on the upper west side too. At the end of the show I thought PC and I could be like BFFs! Before NYC Prep,it was the Real Housewives of New Jersey, uh, that was a great season with the constant arguing, the flipping of tables, and cat fights! L O V E I T! Plus isn't it great you can catch up on your shows with the mini-marathons they have before the newest episode.

Two shows I am excited to return.... Top Chef: Las Vegas and Flipping Out. Top Chef is simply amazing and the city they will tape the season in, Vegas, is my favorite city. Why Flipping Out? If you read the bio, you would think its just like any other HGTV/TLC house flipping show. Not so fast my friends, with Jeff at the center of the ring, just like a circus, its rarely about the houses and more about his crazy emotions. Why else do I love it? Zoila! Zoila is the "housekeeper" and the star on the show, maybe I feel that why because my granny's name is Zoila, and where also in modern tv has their been a cast member named Zoila? Exactly.

Other Shows I love that aren't airing: Work Out, Kathy G. on the D List, Million Dollar Listing, Project Runway (Auf Wiedersehen), Millionaire Matchmaker, Shear Genius...

Shows I haven't given the chance: Miami Social and the Fashion Show.


Seacrest Out!

Pay your dues

Its all about respect and putting in time. Everyday, I hear... "pay your dues," "stick it out for a year or two," or "just get the experience and move on." I get it! No one becomes a director in a week or a university president in a year. But to limit someones voice and invalidated their lived experiences is another thing. Yes, I am a graduate student, but I also have life experience, a commitment to social justice, passion towards assisting students and a never-ending hope that education moves are people forward.

My idea on paying your dues...If I want to become a doctor, I don't mind sweeping the hospital floors, if I know the overall experience would be beneficial. But, it seems like i'm taking out the trash and will never be seen as a potential physician... I am a humble person, hard to believe, I do not think any task is menial, I am above nothing. I believe in the "I wouldn't ask someone to do something, I wouldn't do" philosophy. In my practice, I give max effort and energy. As of late though, the work I do doesn't motivate me, the environment I work in is drastically change from what I once knew it as, and I feel it deteriorating my work-ethic and "spirit."


Bottom line, my goal in life is to improve society and help my community overcome obstacles and empowering them to achieve their dreams. This can take on many forms, but I have chosen progressing my community through educational outreach. I Know that education is the greatest transformative agent in society. With that being said, I have no problem, being in an entry-level position for years, doing what I LOVE. I have no issue "paying my dues" and putting in years of effort to progress my aspirations.

I am free willed, an independent thinker, and hate hierarchical structures. I need to move forward and find an environment the feeds into my passion and helps me progress.


Where are you in your life? What aspirations do you still seek? Have you been complacent in life? Are you moving forward and following your dreams? What hinders you from being successful? What do you want to accomplish next?

These are questions I will ask myself to continual self-assess my progress in life. Helping me reflect on where I've been and where I want to go.

Jungle Cruise

So I just returned from a great weekend of visiting family and friends. Friday was dedicated to my grandparents and chilling with them was awesome! I love hang out with my family, retracing my roots, and slowing life down. Saturday was all about the college buddies and fraternity brothers. JHAB, was awesome and it was great to reconnect and see the progress my friends have made since graduating college. Today was spent on quality time with my younger brother, which included hanging out at the happiest place on earth, Disneyland! Pretty tired from the drive back, but decided to write a quick post.

So a couple things have been running through my mind. First, the idea of "success as the best type of revenge." Think about it... everyone in their life, some more than others, have been disregarded, underestimated, over-looked, doubted or been told you "you cant do that" or "you will never become that." The black child who tells his doctor he wants to be just like him, just to get told "you'll never be one." Later on in life, that same boy becomes a world-renowned physician. Or a peasant women from the fields of Guatemala, being underestimated/disregarded for being a women. Deprived of schooling, she self educates and wins a Nobel peace prize. Even in my community, kids being told the wouldn't make it in life, they should drop out, sell drugs or join the military. They turn around, deny the haters their pleasure and become college graduates! The resiliency of these types of people is astounding! I have also found myself standing victorious over my nay-sayers and doubters, and it feels great. I am realizing the best response to oppressive/negative ill-will is success. It is the the power to overcome all the doubts and succeed; surpassing expectation and crushing peoples hopes for your failure. If you are reading this, I am sure you have had a situation or experience you can relate to. How great does it feel when you prove someone wrong? I equate that feeling to stick my middle fingers in the air and saying "look at me now, puto!" Okay, I know its not proper to flip someone off or taunt or say "puto," but that is the feeling I get. Middle Fingers in the air, asking people to keep doubting me, because they only fuel my drive and success.

And the second idea floating around my mind is having the "fear of failure, fueling your success"... Goodnight y'all, keep living that West LA lifestyle!